tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 9, 2015 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
live." >> announcer: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- wanda sykes. formula one champion lewis hamilton. and music from band of merrymakers. with cleto and the cletones. and now, be warned, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for watching.
the holidays, got a lot of crazy people in the audience tonight. it's hard to believe it's december already. we don't have seasons here in l.a. so one minute it's fourth of july, you're firing bottle rockets at your neighbor's roof. next thing you know there's a tree in your house and it's lit up. i was thinking about this today, there's not much of 2015 left. i don't know about you but i plan to make the most of it. you kn what i'm going to do the next three weeks of this year? i'm going to party. [ cheers and applause ] i haven'n't reall ever partied before. i think i would like to try it, you know? the end of the year awards season has begun. people are making their lists of the top ten best or worst this or that. "time" magazine today revealed their person of the year. this is something they do every year that person is german chancellor angela merkel. she is -- it's not an-gel-la,
the first woman to be named person of the year on her own, it's happened as a group, on her own, since corazon aquino, i know that because that issue of dentist's office. not only is angela merkel the first woman to be honored as individual person of the year if 20 years, also t theirst person whose last name rhymes with circle to get that award. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if it's an award but it's prestigious, especially when you consider it's from a magazine that had bb8 on the cover last year. when you're up there with bb and 8 you know it's going well. "time" had it narrowed down to finalists including caitlyn jenner, the leader of isis, for real, this is true. it's not necessarily an award, it's more -- anyway. and donald trump. so of course donald trump weighed in onn this. he tweeted today, i told you "time" magazine would never pic
despite being the big favorite, they pickeked the person who's ruining germany. even in defeat he's gracious. "te" didn't name donald trump person of the yea but they did release video footage from his photo shoot f their cover in august and they brought a bald eagle into his office. whoever came up with this must have just thought, this is hilariouous. the eagle -- look at this. the animal trainer is fixing his hair. how comfortable he looks. he seems to be less comfortable than the eagle itself. and watch this here. the eagle's agitated because his dead brother is on donald's head. yeah, oh! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course trump this week angered a lot of people by
the united states. but he's sticking by it. he defended himself last night walters. you know barbara walters is technically retired but she comes back whenever there's a natural disaster. [ laughter ] barbara asked trump a question that i don't know that it needed to be asked but she asked it. >> areou a bigot? >> not at all. probably the least of anybody you've ever met. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a big if. barbara walters has met mother teresa, which means he's even less bigoted than her, and that's good. trump told barbara he's the worst thing that ever happened to isis. and i have to agree. people seem to forget this is the man who once fired meatloaf on television, a force to be conducted with. a poll, a first thing that pops into your head, donald trump said he's the worst thing to happen to isis. we ask people, donald trump is the worst thing ever to happen
it will take before someone says isis. >> fill in the blank, donald trump iss the wst thing that ever happened to? >> the country. >> fill in the blank, donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >> earth. >> yeah, earth, universe. >> fill in the blank, donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >> mexicans. >> fill in the blank, donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >> scandinavia. >> fill in the blank, donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >> donald trump is great man. >> donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >> "saturday night live." >> america. >> yourself. >> twitter. >> donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> america. >> the world. >> the world this. >> this world. >> everything? >> mankind. >> humanity. >> everybody. >> the u.s. >> us. >> me. >> the united states.
>> fill in the blank, donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? >>our mom. >> donald trump is the worst thing that ever happened to? some say it -- >> starts with an "i"? >> isis? >> do you agree? >> yes. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: there you go. america agrees. meanwhile, there's a senator from arizona, jeff flake, released what they call the waste book ports, an annual list of projects that this senator deems as a waste of taxpayer money. most of the projects on the list are science experiments that sound dumb if you don't bother to learn why they're being conducted. a lot of them do sound crazy. the government this year funded a study of monkeys on treadmills, wine classes for minors, a shrimp fight club in which 68 panamanian mantis shrimp were pitted against each other to see who would emerge
show i'd watch. in maryland $20 thousand was spenent to celrate the pin yacht that. [ cheers and applause ] how do you celebrate a pinata? by not clubbing one to death in the titles in the report are unusual. one of them is, hotel shower monitor. that wasn epa studyo find out how much time hotel guests spend in the shower. another one is goat truffles. che all sound weird. i'going to read a list, guess whether the title is an item in the government waste reporort or the name of an independent band. an indie band. okay? all right. first, sheep in micro gravit government waste or independent band? a band? all right, the answer is? government waste. nasa researchers put braces on the back legs of sheep to simulate the effects of micro gravity. jets to brazil. government waste or indie band? all right, most of the audience says band.
yes, a band. [ cheers and applause ] super rry animals. it's split on this one. the answer is? indie band. couple more. life-sized pac man, government waste or indie up and down? indie band? let's see. it is, yeah, government waste. next, car seat headrest what do you think? government waste? a couple -- all ght, it is an indie band. one more, suspicious bar coasters. government waste or indie band? yeah, all right, that is government waste, yes.
ninth year run the most wasteful program to come out of congress in 2015 is coness itself. [ cheers and applause ] anyone finished their holiday shopping? a couple you? couple of lunatics, yes? holiday shopping can be a nightmare, let's be honest, it's hard to figure out what to get people, let alone where to get the stuffr this year, perhaps it's time to revisit the ways of our forefathers. this year may i suggest that you do your holiday shopping here? >> factory outlets are out of control. popular shops have lines out the door. sure online shopping is convenient for identity thieieves. it's time to go back to a simpler te at the sad old mall. top fashions for her at the dress barn. sweaters for him at today's man. teens can play the hottest games
don't forget a stop at s and s cafeteria. there's so much to choosee from, you'll wonder why you haven't ben here since middle school. enjoy all our raining tenants. we still have a record store. the sad old mall where the hell did everybody go >> across from the abandoned tire depot in the bad part of town. >> jimmy: thank you. we have to take a break. when we come back, i need your attention. when we come back we have a very special guest from a far-away land. i cannot say more than that but trust me, you'll want to stick around, so please do. we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: on the show we have wandaa signs, the wand of merrymakers. for those celebrating happy fourth night of hanukkah, happy hanukkah to you, guillermo. >> guillermo: to you too. >> jimmy: this is a special night in your home? >> guillermo: yes, tha you, it is. >> jimmy: the miracle of hanukkah, there was just enough oil to light the holy temple's menorah for one day, but instead it lasted eight days. essentiaiay a celebration of the world's first energy efficient lightbulb. who doesn't love hanukkah? >> i don't. >> jimmy: who said that? [ cheers and applause ]
how are you? [ cheers and applause ] >> my name boborat. i like-a porno. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what a surprise this is, huh? >> it only safe for me to come on during a festival of hanukh because the jews are at home counting their chocolate monies. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that makes sense. >> what your name? >> jimmy: my name? jimmy kimmel is -- why is that funny? >> because in kazakhstan, kimmel, meaning ladies vajine. and jimmy mean much hair. for example, my wife, she have a
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. okay. congratulations. >> up to her -- around there. want a photo? >> jimmy: not really. very nice. >> now i look on your face, i understand why they give you this name. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: flattered, thank you. >> i look on you and i become turgid. >> jimmy: what do you -- why are you here? what are you doing? what's goingng on? >> i have come -- very serious, i come make warng. >> a warning to who, me? >> to you. the frivolous nincompoop sasha cohen, this man is a real pain in my exit hole. >> jimmy: i think what you said, sacha baron cohen, you're not a fan?
offensive. l.e.g., bruno, and hisew one, donald trump. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hold on a second, i want to make sure i understand. you're saying donald trump is a sacha baron cohen character? >> yes. and a very unbelievable one. the only person who would pen muslims is someone with a brain like a female chicken. >> jimmy: i see. >> it is clearly a parodyy of a rich american racist. >> jimmy: i don't think so. he's actually real. >> no, no, he do not even look real. cohens have spent all the money on orange paint for face. and they leave no money for wig. now i know whatappen to pamela anderson pubis. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: donald trump is definitely a real person. >> what? >> jimmy: yeah.
>> well, if he is real, then donald trump is an absolute kimmel. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you forgot -- you said you had a warning, what is the warning? >> yes. mr. cohens have a new disgusting film, bewares. boys, bewares. >> jimmy: who? sacha baron cohen has a new movie? >> yes, have a propanda footages of the movie flips called "the brothers from grimesby." it looking nice. not. >> look, seth, that's the couple who's adopting us. >> you are coming with me, right? >> i'd never leave my little brother. >> we've decided to adopt one of the brothers -- >> these boys are inseparable.
>> so you're sure about that? >> he's the best i e ever traid. >> toward 28 years i've been searching for my baby brother. >> you haven't seen anyone who los like this? i hope i don't die beforere i get t hold >> i'm your brother! he's going to be at this place tomorrow. >> eyes on the target. >> finally i can make things right. >> oh my god. because of you my shot was compromised! >> a huge manhunt to found the rogue secret agent. >> stay away from me! >> don't worry, brother, i won't leave you!
>> we've got bullet-proof glass! >> that pull let was filled with a toxin, i'll be dead inn 90 seconds if you don't suck me out. suck it or let me die. >> what would you like written on your gravestone? >> suck it! >> in what font would you like that? >> by me sebastian graves. >> no! >> i lost him forever. i'm useless. >> you are not useless. who was the man who could get me pregnant without waking me up? >> me. >> who's the man who's never read a book? >> me. >> who had me at the police station without getting nattered? >> that wasn't me. >> never mind that. >> you couldld have guts.
affleck. >> i uerstand why you hold a gun so much. it completely detaches you from the guilt of your actions. >> stop shooting everything! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you don't like it? >> why they make a clappance? he say he will not suck on his brother's crumb, it not nice, his brother will die. >> jimmy: will you suck your brother's crown. >> crown? crumb. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, crumb? yeyes, you he a crumb? >> jimmy: i thi i might. >> i can't tell. >>immy: you can't tell? >> i can look --
you. take my word for it. >> i am not a man who makes -- >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> with another man -- >> jimmy: never, i'm not insinuating that at all. >> i am -- have to check. >> jimmy: right, gotcha, very good. >> i must say, anybody who join me in a boycott of these "brother grimesby" movie will have opportunity -- >> jimmy: boycott? >> yes, boycott. will have a cnce to win a luxury automobile -- [ cheers and applause ] >> six men inside -- >> jimmy: looks great, wow, look at that. well. there you go. thank you so much. nice to see you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jim: "the broththers grimesby" opens in theaters march 11th. thank you, borat. tonight on the show, music from band of merrymakers, formula one champion lewewisis hamiln here.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight the reigning formula one world racing champion lewis hamilton is here. then latater a holay super group various members of a number of popular bands this is their album. called "welcome to our christmas party" band of merrymakers from the samsung stage. 50 cents of each album sold goes to musicares which is a great organization that t helps the in
tomorrow night calista flockhart will be here, chef adam perry lang will show us how to make a holiday roast and we'll hear music from run the jewels. i want t congratulate our announcer dicky barrett and his wife jessica on their new baby girl clementine. [ cheers and applause ] they just had her, she's healthy, and our executive producer jill ledderman and her husband rob cohen on their baby boy. whose name i is rocket. they named the kid rocke and when
jill gets back from maternity leave i'll bring her out here to explain why they named the kid rocket. okay? you know our first guest from "curb your enthusiasm" and "last comic stding" she is very funny both on screen and in life. watch her on "black-ish" wednesday nights on abc, please
>> jimmy: very good to see you. yeah good seeing you -- >> jimmy: are you timing yourself? >> i'm counting my steps, i've got my fitbit. i got more steps coming out on "ellen." >> jimmy: that's right. the entrance -- >> your woukout sucks. >> jimmy: sorr if you want to take a lapap around the desk -- >> i might have to. >> jimmy: how many steps do you have to hit every day? >> 10,000. 10,000
steps every day. i'm going to tell you right now, this thing is going to get me killed. >> jimmy: why? >> i'm very competitive. so i want to hit my 10,000 steps. so if i look like it's 9:00 and i'm like, damn, i need 5,000 more steps!
and i live up in the hill. and i'm like, i am fresh coyote meat right now, what the hell am i doing out here? >> jimmy: there are coyot there. >> hm, wait a minute, wait a minute, i need two more, come on come on! >> jimmy: did you work on "black-ish" today? >> no, no no. it was "jimmy kimmel live" tonight. >> jimmy: what do you mean? oh, wait. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: youou block t out the whole day? >> i need the whole day. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. >> this doesn't happen. i don't wake up like this. i'm not beyonce. >> jimmy: you're not beyonce? >> i am not beyonce. i found that out. so i have to, you know, get -- it's a whole process. i've got a whole team back there. flew people in. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> i got a structural engineer. it's a lot. >> jimmy: i'm surpred that you -- that that's the sort of thing that concerns -- i wouldn't think you would really even bother with that kind of stuff.
>> jimmy: i know, you seem very down to effort, you don't seem like -- >> >> i am. but you can be cute and down to effort. >> jimmy: i see. >> down to earth, you look like a bump? look at her, she's a troll. i be you she's down there early. [ laughter ] [ chrs and applause ] >> jimmy: looking at you now, it doesn't seem like you're wearing much makeup. >> there's spackle. >> jimmy: there is? >> there's a weight and pulley system somewhere around there. i got a lot going on. it's a lot. jimmy: i had no idea you were so show business. i really is something. >> i give the people something. [ cheers a applause ] >> jimmy: so you -- >> this is very uncomfortable. sitting here like a meth head. >> jimmy: sometimes when the guests talk if the chair's too comfortable they fall asleep. you're a football fan.
>> yes, god what an awful season. >> jimmy: a very bad season. >> very bad season. >> jimmy: do you gamble on the games, that sort of thing? >> god no, no. i would have to like end up like in prostitution. i would lose everything. i would losose everytng. >> jimmy: do you watch -- >> i can't gamble. >> jimmy: do you watch alone or do you have other people -- >> no, i love watching football. i have my big tv. you know. >> jimmy: how big is your tv? >> oh my god. the wanda cave. >> jimmy: is there really a wanda cave? >> there really is a wanda cave. i've got a 78-inch big-ass tv. >> jimmy: that's nice, yes. >> it was hard getting it in a room that's 6 by 6. >> jimmy: where there's a will there's a way. >> the wanda cave is nice. tvs nowadays that's why you've got to do all othis, hi-defgh definition definition. now thehey've gothat is it, 4k?
my tv is very clear. it's beautiful. actually, watching football, i've had three concussions this season. >> jimmy: really? it's such a problem. >> i'm waiting to be cleared to watch this sunday. i took an awful hit. >> jimmy: by the way, i'm happy you're on "black-ish." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: anthony anderson. i've known him many years. the show is really, really funny. and last week was your first week on the show? >> yes, yes, yes. >> jimmy: are you having fun? >> i'm having a blast over there, everyone's great. like you said, anthony, eveveryone who works in the office there, they're wonderful. >> jimmy: lawrence fishburne? >> oh my god. i' on a show with lawrence fishburne. you know, i just -- we were in a makeup trailer together. and i just was staring at him. he goes, hello,o, miss sykes.
and i was like, hooo! i felt some kind of way. something like that. >> jimmy: the kids from the show are very cute. >> the kids are the best kids on tv. >> jimmy: you think so? >> yes. >> jimmy: have you evaluated kids from the other shows? >> i don't care for them. but the kids on this show -- >> jimmy: you mean their performances? >> they're just -- no they're really good kids. they're the best kids onscreen. they're the best kids just hanging out with them. >> jimmy: they're not your typical tv kids? >> no, they don't annoy me, you ow? >> jimmy: that's nice. >> they're still kids. but they're just very talented. >> j jimmy: ye. right, yeah. > i've bn on some shows with kids. >> jimmy: who's the worst kid you ever workewith? >> i can't talk about that. i can't do that. you work with little kidsds, they're like, boy, my 401(k) took a hit today. >> jimmy: it's strange, yeah. actor kids are weird. >> annoying. >> jimmy: there's always an adult who's not their parent
officer. >> yes, yeah, yeah. >> jimmymy: know at i mean? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: are you doing standup while working on the show? >> yes, yes, yes. i'm always doing standup. [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to -- i'll be in o ohio >> jimmy: that's a very big state. >> they're going to drop me down in the middle of it. i'll just roam around. >> jimmy: gravitate toward cleland or cincinnati? >> yeah, yeah. i'll stop in cincinnati on friday night. then saturday night i'm in columbus, ohio. >> jimmy: very good. very good. it's always great to see you. i'm so happy you're on the show. wanda sykes, everybody. "black-ish" airs wnesdays at abc. it's getting a little warm, we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. lewis hamilton and band of merrymakers is on the way. as you know we're in the heat of holiday shopping season. and no gifts are more sought-after this year than those covered in jedis and wookies. luckily for you, kohl's is the ultimate destination for star wars products and nobody knows that better than their new spokesperson santa kohl's. >> ho ho ho! what do you want for christmas?
>> you forgot the extendable light saber. >> maybe you'll get it for your birthday. santa needs to lay down. >> dicky: brought to you by kohl's. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with lewis hamilton! [ cheers and applause ] can i have a little more? five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten i love you sl the ship chop the tree s skip the pe look at me all together now i wish dad was here toee this. he is. hihit every rk. thread every needle.
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still to come, merrymakers. our next guest has become a hugely successful auto racing champion despite having grown up in a country where they drive on therong side of the road. he just won hishird formula 1 world championship and his second ia row. please welcocome a spey fell, lewis hamilton. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are y doing? how fast do those forormula 1 cars go? >> first, good evening, everyone, how you doing? [ cheers and applause ] >> the cars, the car will go
the fastest we do iss 230. >> jimmy: when you are driving like a regular car on the street, dyou feel like you're going ry slow? >> yeah, i get road rage because i'm driving too slow. >> jimmy: have youu received speeding tickets? >> when i was 17, 18, i definitely did. but what's funny is i got pulled over when i was younger, probably early 20s, and i finally got to formula 1, i got a really good car, amg mercedes, it made a lot of noise. i got pulled over because of the noise. the guy came to the win, who do you think you are, lewis -- oh. hey. have a good night, lewis. >> jimmy: that's nice, that worked out all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a photograph -- how old are you? >> i'm 8. >> jimmy: you're driving a go cart. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did your dad build this go-kart? >> he didn't. so i spent the weekends with my dad. my dad had absolutely no idea what to do with his son. >> jimmy: he wasn't a racer?
my dad work toward british rail. i grew up on his s couch. he was into formula 1, on the weekends we watched from age of 5. he bought me a remote-ctrolled car. i was racing peoplet 5 years old. he thought i hot good hand to eye card nation so he bought on go cart. started as a hobby. i won my first s races, kept winning. won my first british championship when i was 10. to receive the award you go to this real cool event, like our oscars but it completely sucks. it's all really good. i went up to ron dennis who owns mclaren. who edson drove for. i was a huge fan. i said, i want to drive for you. he signed me three years later. won the championship ten years later. >> jimmy: how old were you when he signed you?
>> jimmy: not even legal to drive. >> exactly. >> jimmy: how much is a formula 1 car, how much is that worth? >> i don't know. not many people buy them. there's a lot of people on the team. for two cars, 1,300 people to build those two cars. >> jimmy: oh my god. >> the most high-tech -- we could build a space rocket to send to outer space, it's crazy. the technology. when you ask about how fast our car goes, it's not actually how quick it goes in a straight line. it goes through corners like no other car. >> jimmy: you also have your own plane? it's not a dinky little plane. put the picture up. this is your plane. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, we travel a lot. >> jimmy: you better. >> i love cars and i love planes. so i bought this plane. at the airport you see sadld white planes with the saddest stripe down the side. if i get a plane, i'm going t pimp it out.
>> exactly. > jimmy: en women come on this plane do they immediately disrobe? do they w waste any time? do they sit rst? do they take their clothes off -- >> they take their shoes out. come in my house or on my planane, take your shoes off first. >> jimmy: this might be the craziest thing you've everr done. which is you're spraying v. vladimir putin with champagne. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a good way to end it. this is at the russian grand prix? >> it is. look, i'm ahead of him, it's just the way the picture -- >> jimmy: it's jut the angle. >> the g behind got him. >> jimmy: is the guy behind in siberia now? >> the funny thing is there was talk it was his double. >> jimmy: oh, doubles, right. >> he has so much security. they had serious -- these bags with some serious metal inside. do you think it was the double? i have no idea.
>> all i know is i did not want to spray him. i've seen movies. i ow what russians are capable of. i love russian people but, j just saying. >> jimmy: vladimir putin, ah, kind of a scary individual. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: here in the united states, nascar is really the big thing. have you ever thought about possibly racing in nascar? >> i love cars in general. i went to watch jeff gordon recently in miami, his last race. >> jimmy: you did yeah. >> i never go to race ts watch, i'm always driving. i was sitting there. where's my car? i wanted to o get out. >> jimmy: this is something that you would consider? >> i would love to do it, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> street track, street circuit. i wish racing wasn't so restricted. i wish i could do formula 1 then hop over and do street races. you've got to learn about the car, it takes a lot longer. >>immy: you've got a plane, you can hop over wherever you
band of merrymakers. snow we want snow we want snow snow snow welcome to our christmas party rab your coat gonna have some fun hey time to get this season started raise your cup cheers to eryone jingle bell jingle belll let's sleigh yeah we've been waiting so long for the holiday yeah jingle bell jingle bell let's sleigh yeah we've been waiting so long gotta celebrate 'cause we're wishing for a blizzard and a pint of cheer we're laughing and were clappin' this time of year snow we want snow from new york to california here we go oh snow we want snow
and kids in tokyo looking up up up for that frosty flaky stuff let it fall fall fall tonight t snow we want snow we want snow snow snow weather man says a storm is coming temperature gonna hit zero hey kids are staring out the window hoping jack frost nips their nose jingle bell jingle bell let's sleigh yeah we've been waiting so long for the holiday yeah jingle bell jingle bell let's sleigh yeah we've been waiting so long gotta celebrate 'cause we're wishing for a blizzard and a pint of cheer we're laughing and were clappin' this time of year snow we want snow fromew york
oh snow we want snow for the london bridge and kids in tokyo looking up up up for that frosty flaky stuff let it fall fall fall tonit snow we want snow we want snow snow snow when we wake up it's all marshmallow white ain't this a wonderful life snow we want snow from new york to california here we go oh snow we want snow for the london bridge and kids in tokyo looking up up up for that frosty flaky stuff let it fall fall fall tonight snow we want snow we want snow snow snow snow we want snow from new york